Café Concoctione

Written by Jaya Gopala das
Engineered and mastered by Dwijamani das
Directed and produced by Parividha das © 2000


Felicity: Oh Harry, that was the most wonderful opera! I’m so glad we chose to come to Italy for our 25th wedding anniversary.
Harry: Well dear, I still think we should have gone to Blackpool instead. You know where you are with the people there and it would have saved me a fair bit of hard earned cash.
Felicity: Oh Harry, you’re such a stick in the mud sometimes! I love it here. The people, the architecture, the operas. How did it go again? O yes, Figaro Figaro Figaroooooo!
Harry: I couldn’t figaro it out myself!
Felicity: Oh Harry! Hmm, aren’t you hungry darling? I’m quite peckish.
Harry: Well, taking into consideration you haven’t had anything to eat since you threw up on the plane.
Felicity: Oh don’t remind me. Hmm. Where shall we go?
Harry: I wouldn’t mind to have a real Italian made pizza.
Felicity: Oh, how boring! Let us go to.
Harry: Not to one of them big places we saw in the city center. They’re too crowded (to himself) And they cost a fortune!
Felicity: Pardon?
Harry: Let’s settle for a modest and obscure cafe in a back street. (to himself) Hopefully it won’t be such a rip off.
Felicity: Modest and obscure? Where there will be just the two of us? Oh Harry, you’ve lost none of your romantic charm.
Harry: Err Aye , yes just the two of us. Come on then, let’s have a scout about.
Felicity: Listen! Music! It’s coming from that alleyway. I bet it’s a traditional Italian restaurant, just the kind we’re looking for. (Sees Harinam party)
Harry: O no, it’s them! Those people get everywhere. Come on let’s go!
Felicity: I think they look so exotic Harry. And ever so happy.
Devotee: Pleas-a take this invitation for our Sunday feasta.
Felicity: Thank you
Devotee: Hare Krishna!
Felicity: O, they invite us for a feast! Shall we?
Harry: No!
Felicity: I thought so.
Harry: Look there's a restaurant!
Felicity: Hmm, what does it say on the window? Caffé Concoctione.
Harry: Caffé Concoctione? Caffé Concoctione? Looking at the state of the place I’m not surprised at the name. Hmm, I don’t think we can’t eat here.
Felicity: Look underneath Caffé Concoctione it says: Also Restaurante. Oh Harry, Let’s explore. Let’s do something daring for once?
Harry: All right all right dear.
Waiter: (with monkey mask) Oe oe oe oe! (The waiter doesn't need to be seen by the audience.)
Harry: I don’t believe it! If I am not mistaken Felicity, it would appear there is a monkey working here as a waiter!
Felicity: Oooh how exotic!
Waiter: Oe oe oe oe oe!
Felicity: Oh look, he’s running into the kitchen over there.
Harry: He’s coming back.
Felicity: Goodness! That’s not a monkey, that’s a a Neanderthal!
Harry: Urrrrggggghhhhh! (Felicity screams)
Waiter: (Like a cave man) Come through, sir, madam, don’t be afraid. Urrrgghh! (Felicity screams) Ug. Hahaha.
Harry: Don’t worry dear, he’s going away. Come on love, lets go.
Felicity: Y-yes. Who knows what will come out of the kitchen next? (Harry tries to open the door)
Harry: The door! The door seems to be jammed!
Felicity: Someone’s coming Harry! Hurry!
Waiter: Seniore Seniorina.! Where are you goingga? Cam cam cam. Benvenutte. Welcome to my beautiful restaurante.
Harry: Errr. What’s been going on? Was that you dressed up in a monkey suit and the the. What’s it called again?
Felicity: A Neanderthal, I think.
Harry: Yes. A Neanderthal! Frightened the life out of us you did.
Waiter: Eksquse me, I have a mienore identity probblema. Splitta Personality. No need to warrie! Now please-a take a seata.
Harry: Where to? Hahaha.
Waiter: Please! Sita sita Seniore. Seniorina. Here is the mennoe. One-a for you-a and one-a for the lady.
Harry: I’m not sure if we’ve chosen the right place I mean.
Felicity: Oh Harry stop being so fussy! We’re here now! So just be satisfied and don’t embarrass me like you usually do.
Waiter: And have you decided seniore, seniorina?
Felicity: Hmm. I like the sound of this. Missing Link spaghetti hoops. I’ll try that. What about you Harry?
Harry: Hmm. For starters, I’ll get my taste buds going with the Primordial Soup. Then I’ll go for the Evolution Pie.
Waiter: Mammamia! Whatta lovely choice-a! May I also recommenda our dish of the day: Our sizzle surprisea.The Big-a Bang-a Casserola
Harry: Err.
Felicity: O I would like that!
Waiter: Very good-a! An eccellente choice-a! So it’s one-a Primordiala Souppa. One-a Pie-a Evolution-a, the Missing Link Spaghetti oops and two today’se speciala. The Big-a Bang-a Casserola. Uno minuto! (exits)
Felicity: This is so exciting…Here we are inside a typical Italian restaurant. I’m really looking forward to my hoops and as for the Big Bang casserole.
Harry: I hope it’s not one of those places where you have to wait about six hours for something.
Waiter: Voila yoer Priemordiale Soup as you orrdered
Harry: Nice one. It looks great. Wait a minute. You were Italian a moment ago!
Waiter: Mais non. I am French. Thies iz ”une Euro Caffé” Monsieur. I am jeust following the new legieslation from Bruxelles. Every good Euro Caffé must ave at least three amployees vrom the othur European countries.
Harry: But you’re the same lad, with a false mustache, a baret, talking with a French accent! (Waiter adjust his mustache.)
Waiter: Eh. eh. We look a lijk! Bon appetit!
Harry: Strange character. Anyway, I’m starving. Now let’s sample this Primordial Soup. (he sips and spits it out) Uhhh! Yak! It’s disgusting! Garcon! Garcon!
Waiter: Qui monsieur ‘ow can I elp you?
Harry: This soup is disgusting! I’ve never tasted anything so bad in my life. I can’t eat this. What’s in it?
Waiter: It’s a recipay of the ouse monsieur: Amino Acied noodles.
Harry: Amino Acid? I demand to see the chef! Right here! Right now!
Waiter: Butte zere iez no cheffe monsieur.
Harry: What you’re talking about?
Waiter: I jeuste walked into the kitchen, and there it waz, alle prepared und ready.
Harry: What? Things don’t appear by magic. They need a chef. A creator. A designer. Some one to put the ingredients together and that. Do you think I’m stupid or something? I’m a fully grown man. I don’t believe in fairy tales no more.
Felicity: Harry! Calm down! (to the waiter) We’ll try the next course if that’s all right.
Waiter: Thank you madame.
Harry: Is he taking me for a ride , or am I going completely mad? Tell me luv.
Felicity: He is a little strange.
Harry: A little?!
Felicity: But I do feel you’re over-reacting. Let’s just try and enjoy our holiday.
Harry: If I’m paying good money for a bite to eat, I expect quality Felicity. Consistenc (she cuts him of).
Felicity: Shh! He’s coming back. O no it’s someone else.
Harry: It’s him! He is just dressed differently. He is weird!
Waiter: Van Evolution Pie fur Herr Harry und der Missing Link spaghetti hoops fur die Fraulein. Bitte sehr.
Harry: I don’t believe it! Now he thinks he’s German. A confused waiter if ever there was one. Anyway, my Evolution Pie. Wait a minute! This is no pie! This my friend is a lump of common all garden cooked dough. And I should know, as my father was a baker.
Waiter: Ziss ist kein doe. Ziss ist ein Evolution Pie. Gradually it will change step by step, into an elaborate and appetizing meal.
Harry: Oh I see, I should have known. And in the meantime I’m supposed to sit here and twiddle my thumbs until it miraculously evolves as if by chance?
Waiter: Exactly.
Harry: Well I don’t think so. Things in this world don’t get more complex by chance.
Waiter: You have to be patient. Zeeze zings take time. At zer moment you are being extremely obnoxious, which is typical of you English, if you don’t mind me saying.
Harry: O yes? Come on then, do you want to see my fist miraculously evolve into your face?
Felicity: Harry!
Waiter: All I am asking is that you have a little faith. Give it a chance. Bitte? (they all watches the dough)
Harry: Eee. Hang on a second…it is changing…evolving like magic, as if by chance.
Waiter: Vas?
Harry: Come and have a closer look. That’s it Closer! (Harry shoves the waiters head in the dough)
Felicity: Harry!
Harry: Ha ha ha! “Evolution Pie” I ask you. Can’t fool me. I believe in hard evidence me, not some speculation! What about my wives “Missing Link spaghetti Hoops?” You’ve just given her an empty plate!
Waiter: Entshuldigung I’m zorry! I looked everywhere, but I could not find zem.
Harry: Now I’ve heard it all. The “Missing Link spaghetti hoops?” Don’t tell me. They’re missing aren’t they? Ha ha ha ha! I should have known!
Felicity: Garcon!
Waiter: Fritz. Fraulein!
Felicity: Fritz, I think we’ll try the Big Bang casserole now.
Waiter: Sehr gut. Ein moment.
Felicity: Harry! Sit down! Sit down and calm down! I’m sure the dish of the day will be just scrumptious.
Harry: I hope so. (sits down) It’ll better be very convincing if it’s going to make up for the previous disappointments. “Primordial Soup” “Evolution Pie” ”Missing Link spaghetti hoops” T. I ask you.
Felicity: You really shouldn’t have pushed his face in the doe. That was not necessary.
Harry: (sniggers) Look at him now!
Waiter: Good day old chap. Got you a spiffing dish here, what. The Big Bang casserole no less. Everyone ready? And a one. And a two. And a jolly good three!
Felicity: (sobbing) My dress! My dress!
Harry: I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say. I’m a saddened man. A saddened man. I’m shocked!
Waiter: I waz simply following the instructions in the book! Look here old fruit (searches through the recipe book). Here’s the recipe. See for yourself!
Harry: (reads)The Charles Darwin specialty. “The Big Bang casserole” in three easy steps: 1. Simply put all ingredients together. 2.Heat thoroughly at a million degrees until the oven is shaking. (Don’t forget your oven gloves!) 3.Then with a Big Bang the casserole is served randomly into the air.
Waiter: You see!
Harry: But it didn’t work did it?
Waiter: Maybe I missed something out. (Searches through recipe book)
Harry: You’ll be missing something in a minute! I’ve had enough! I’ve had it up to here with your Cafe Concoctione. Do you really expect anyone to stomach your “Evolution Pie”? Do you reckon you’ll ever find “the Missing Link spaghetti hoops”? Do people really swallow your “Primordial Soup”? Can we plausibly digest “The Big Bang Casserole”? I don’t think so! You’re cheating the general public and insulting the intelligence of the common man. We’ll have none of this clap-trap. Come on Felicity, let’s go!
Felicity: Huh! Cheater!
Waiter: But sir, sir come back! The recipes must be right, because because (sighs) It’s a good job most people are more gullible, otherwise I’d have to close this place down.